We left off at how acknowledging my view of God and Him ultimately knowing what’s best is what laid the foundation for me finally being able to take the first step and begin the long trek of moving forward in life instead of letting it pass me by- something not easy to do when you have absolutely no direction and are completely freaked out about getting even more lost. So I’m going to spend a few installments on this blog talking about each step, the thought process, and end result. Sound ok?
Upon realizing I hadn’t lost God, I just didn’t know what He wanted from me, I finally felt the freedom to say, “Ok… how do I figure that out? What has He put in my life and on my heart to further explore?” and what I realized was that throughout my tail spinning and life feeling out of control, my husband and I had never really talked much from about January until August about the miscarriages, where we were going in life, and if our original goals we set when we first got married might be outdated or need tweaking. So much had changed for us both like him getting promotions and more involved with work, me having way more health set backs than I bargained for and both of us trying to learn parenthood. I figured with all the miscarriages (at that point 4) that he was really bummed and probably sad about them but I didn’t think they had the impact on him that they did on me. (BTW- I was SO wrong and learned he was trying to be strong for me but I’ll go into that another time.) So we went about day to day lives with him at work a lot and me just aimlessly making it through one day at a time with poor, patient little Emmy in tow. So in August of 2018, we asked my parents to watch Emmy, Isaac and I grabbed a cup of coffee, and we sat in our car in the Target parking lot for over 3 hours reevaluating *everything*.
One of the biggest issues in our lives was lack of regular church attendance since Emmy was born. We were still very much devoted to our Christianity and above all wanted to glorify God in our lives but the church we had been attending went through major changes and was no longer where we felt comfortable. That all happened right after Emmy was born and shortly thereafter is when Isaac’s job demands shifted, I started having more issues and miscarriages and come Sunday, which was Isaac’s only day off after a 70 or so hour work week, we both didn’t have the physical or mental energy to even pursue finding a church. So we’d listen to or watch sermons and pray together but didn’t make finding another church a priority. And during that conversation, we agreed that was step 1 to getting our lives back on track. God truly provided as He always does, because we were so weary and hungry for fellowship and support, and the very first church we tried we fit right in in every way imaginable. We immediately felt relaxed and like we were “home” so to speak. I still absolutely love our church and every relationship we’ve built in it. Like I said- God provided.
The next thing we decided on in that talk, was our financial goals. With medical bills and my inconsistent, unaware frame of mind some things had gotten a little all over the place so we talked about our money plans and how to reign all that back in. What was good about that for me personally, besides the obvious stability, was it gave me something very specific: save money, be very aware of spending. It wasn’t a whole lot different than my already frugal mindset but it made me become way more deliberate and therefore give me a goal and purpose.
In conjunction with the frugality mindset, it gave me a timeframe for when things would be paid off and we could come back around to the conversation about what we wanted to accomplish over the next 5 to 10 years. I’m the type of person that will happily wait patiently if you just tell me where I’m going. This whole “wait and see” mentality is definitely hard for me because I feel like I can’t prepare for anything and I therefore shut down. And I tell you what… I cannot stand to not be prepared! And if the idea is “We have no idea where we’re going in any area of our life” then I’m insanely aimless. I *have* to have a goal… Okay I think I beat that dead dog enough. Moving on! Now I knew for certain that if we buckled down and worked together as a team, that within a certain period of time, we could then talk about making the next big change to our lives whether it was building a house, taking a promotion, what have you.
Figuring out what our next step was as a couple and finally talking about what the other had been thinking, feeling and experiencing was a huge first step and an absolutely crucial one. I finally felt like I had rediscovered my long lost team mate and that I wasn’t alone in life anymore. I am very blessed on the front that my husband is my best friend. He is my one person that I mentioned in my post about self image and finding your person. My person had been there that whole time but I was not letting myself stop and catch my breath long enough to see it. In just a few hours of conversation I felt purpose, camaraderie, and relief. I knew what to do next and what goal to set my eyes on. Which for us was plugging through the next 3-5 years deliberately, then reevaluating and going from there. I realized I had just been focusing on how eventually life would be over instead of taking it in strides and bite size pieces.
Putting this post into a summary statement, I’ll say cohesively that the very first step I took was both talking with my life partner and us figuring out together one small bite of life to take. For us it was our 3 year goal as a couple/ family. For you it might be a family or personal goal (I’ve made these too) and in a 1 month, 1 year, or 1 decade increment. But you have to take a small bite first. If you’re just insanely overwhelmed and you’re reading this saying “that’s great and all but I can’t get traction no matter how hard I’ve tried” I hear you! This was not an instant fix for me. The sun didn’t suddenly shine, birds didn’t start magically singing, and my husband didn’t break into romantic dance and song. (Although he is pretty amazing and IMHO adorable.) It was still a long road. I still fought depression and negativity daily. I still had to keep reminding myself that I just had to make it through the next 3 years at least. My health was still the total pits! We still had to find a church, we still had to restructure our lifestyle, we still had to figure out how to keep communicating even though one or the other was constantly exhausted and/ or brain dead. There was a lot we still had to accomplish… but guess what? Each of those was something for me to learn how to conquer and I only had 3 years to do it. So I got to work!
I’ll get a little more nitty gritty in my next post about regaining purpose and the steps I took. Please reach out and let me know if you need prayer or feel like you’re drowning or are just enjoying the fact that someone else is just as human and lost as you might feel. My whole goal in this blog is not to tell people how to fix their life or anything. It’s to show you how I’m overcoming my own obstacles- big and small- and I’d love to be there and help you overcome yours if you need someone to be in your corner and cheering you on! I’m not making money off of this, I’m not an expert, I don’t have my whole life figured out, and I’m far from perfect. But I am confident in the fact that if we grab life by the horns and fight with all we’ve got to keep moving forward that, by the grace of God, we can live full and meaningful lives that aren’t just for us and our kids/ spouses but also impactful and meaningful to those around us. I know you have something absolutely amazing in you that is inspirational to others. Start looking around… you might just be surprised who you’re inspiring. Well that’s all for me today! Take it one step at a time, lovely you!
Big Loss - Big Resolution 